The Dreaded Christmas List

I love the holidays. I love this time of year (minus the weather) with Thanksgiving and Christmas and family get togethers. Hot chocolate and cozy fires and the lights and decorations for the season. Not to mention the food. Fooooood! It always goes by faster than I want it to. This year I'm taking two whole weeks of vacation and I'm really looking forward to this last stretch of time off before the baby is here.

There is one thing though that I always put off because I can't stand doing it. My Christmas List. Remember when you were a kid and the list was a mile long and you had endless ideas of what to add to it? Anything you saw on TV was cool and whatever your friends were asking for you also had to have. Then you became a teenager and the list either became UBER particular or was all clothes, because it was the only time of the year you could ask for brand name jeans (No? Just me?). Now as an adult I still have parents, in-laws, friends, extended family etc. asking me what I'd like but I'm stuck on what to tell them. Honestly, if the item isn't too expensive I'll just go out and get what I need for myself. If it's really expensive, I'll save up and get it later. I don't expect my family and friends (besides my husband, he still gets to throw down money on me) to buy me anything that's pricey. So I sit there, every year without fail, surfing the Internet trying to come up with ideas for things I could possibly want that I didn't know I wanted. Here is how the making of the list normally goes:

1. Add on random household items we've been too lazy to purchase on our own or have broken and not replaced yet.
2. Try to think of all the jewelry, purses, random girly things I've seen my friends or co-workers with that I've thought were cute.
3. Delete random household items because those are boring to buy and receive and I'll just purchase them for myself later. Maybe. Probably not.
4. Look at incredibly generalized top 100 gift giving lists online for inspiration. Realize they are not inspiring at all.
5. Ask hubby for ideas for myself. Get frustrated when he can't write my list for me. Isn't he supposed to KNOW ME more than I know myself?
6. Add items that don't actually fit me or my personality because I can change, I will wear more makeup, I will dress nicer, I will be a new me next year.
7. Add things I really do want but that are expensive and then feel guilty asking for them, so remove them right away.
8. Send out list to everyone and sigh because I've put way too much thought into it and I don't really know if I really want the items on it or not anymore.

Thus commences the making of the Christmas List. Just in time for the New Year's Resolution List (of fail).

Thinking about making a change

Children are a blessing. So I've heard. However, they were not in the picture of my immediate future for a long time. My husband and I married young, on purpose. We were in love and contrary to what some might have believed, did not have a bun in the oven. This June we will be celebrating our seventh anniversary. It hardly seems possible. I've been with him for over a decade. Sometimes if feels to me as if it were just a few years ago we started dating. He's for sure, my best friend and wins the best hubby award too. I am still constantly bragging about him to everyone I know and I think the world of him. I am still so in love with him and excited to see him at the end of the day. I'm really proud of that too. Of our relationship and the things we've conquered together. We've really learned about communication and how each other works but still find out, even after seven years, there is always something new you can learn about a person. I attribute most of the good things I've done or had or been given in my life to him. It all has been perfect, in an imperfect world. I wouldn't take back a second of it.

So...children. Babies. When is the right time? This is a question we've struggled with for a while now. Why mix it up? Why change something that is just so perfect right now for the both of us? For at least five years, I don't think it was even in the picture for me. As in, I didn't allow myself to think about it because, COLLEGE and then WORK and then FUN (and I can finally afford it). It was just some off in the future thought like retirement. I would maybe say random comments about these far off future events such as, "When we have kids" and "I hope my kid does/says/is...". You get the idea. That's about as far as I really got in the whole process. I have some friends who have had children for almost as long as my marriage. I have some who have no children and don't plan to for a while. I know what both sides of the whole thing looks like. I've in theory known I wanted kids but not really, in actual real life.

Then, about six months ago, I started to feel like my days were on repeat. Not that I've seen the movie, but I was experiencing Groundhog's Day. Wake up, get ready for work, work, come home and take care of things and then go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I still love my life, don't get me wrong, but it almost felt pointless. Like, it's moving by faster each day and I need to slow down and be mindful of every moment. I need to do something bigger than me. I don't want to say it feels like something is missing, because I'm very happy with how things are now, but I wouldn't mind something new coming around either. For months now, I've been staring at pregnant women who walk by me and reading All. The. Things...articles and opinion pieces about pregnancy and children. I have stacks of books on various topics and I sometimes feel like I can't read enough. Like if I keep reading, I'll figure out some unknown secret to myself. Am I ready? Do I feel ready? What is ready, exactly? Is one ever really ready? Should I want this more? Should I plan even more? Do I really want to change such a good thing we've got going? How risky is it to wait a few more years? Etc. etc. etc.

The hubby and I came up with a date six months ago. We decided, this magical, golden date was when we would start trying. Both of us with a little hesitation, for probably different reasons. Since then, I've allowed myself to open up to this idea and feel like I've been completely obsessed with it ever since. I am pretty positive I've waaaay over-thought the whole thing and then worried about that a little more. I've talked it to death with a few friends and please nobody look up my Google history. I am trying to take all the perfect, planned out steps. I realize not everyone functions this way, but it works for me. I'm comforted by it because it's the only part of this whole thing that I have control over. I've been taking prenatals for a while, because that's what you are supposed to do. I recently had my preconception visit with my OBGYN, because that's what you are supposed to do. And the next step...the "trying" phase. A phase of life that on some days, I am so sure I want it I can see the chubby cute baby that I will tickle and kiss and admire its fat rolls. While still yet on other days, I hope I'm not cutting a really great phase of my life short. Of our life. I'm still excited though. We both are. The anticipation of the unknown. What a mix of emotions, already. I know the future will only bring more.

I'd be interested to hear where were you in life on this jumping off point, assuming you were planning it? What did ready feel like for you? Is anyone else really excited and terrified all at once? Was there a moment when you realized it was right? Just me? Tell me about it.