And life continues, even when I'm not online

Whelp, I had the baby. Were you wondering? After a long six month hiatus, you might have thought I was the first human to experience a fourth and fifth trimester (I think it's silly how they call the first three months the fourth trimester). I know that there are many women who can birth a baby and continue life and blogging and such as if it were just a little hiccup in their schedule, but that is not me. Baby boy came into my life and changed it for the better but it hasn't always been easy. So here I start again, continuing to settle into this new life and motherhood and finding my new normal. Hopefully including updating this old blog thing a bit more.

Mr. Man was born early, by C-section in February. I went in for a normal weekly checkup and left with plans for a possible C-section. The midwife felt he was huge (possibly 10 lbs or more) and I still had two weeks to go until his due date and four weeks until they would induce if I were to go natural. I wasn't dilated and he hadn't descended at all either, so her best guess was that nothing would be happening anytime soon. She had another midwife double check her work, as well as the doctor/potential surgeon. Yes indeed, I was massive and baby was big. So I ended up in surgery and although it wasn't the plan, he was there safe and sound, all 9 lbs. 2 oz. of him. Only now, the farther out I get from the birth the more I wish it had happened differently. But, that's another story for another day.

Obviously I can't sum up everything that happened in the last six months in a few paragraphs. The first several weeks were very fuzzy due to recovery from surgery and dealing with a baby that woke up every two hours to eat (partially my fault, as I put him on that schedule per someone's advice at the hospital and didn't realize he could come off of it once he had gained back his original weight). 

Once I had really started to heal, it was still incredibly cold out and we didn't really venture out much. I was a bit of a nervous nelly with letting others do anything with the baby and didn't want help, but really needed it. It's been an adventure. Around three months things started really getting better and at six months now, I'm starting to enjoy myself. It's been the most difficult, rewarding, frustrating, anxiety inducing, precious six months.

Well that felt good, writing again. If even only for a few minutes. I think the library and its quietness is going to be my new best friend. 

T Minus 10 Days

Baby is due in 10 or so days. I realize that this time table doesn't mean anything for him, but it means being close to the end of this season for me. I have to admit, I'm tired. I'm sore and tired. I'm sore and tired and I'm so over all the little things my body isn't doing that it should or is doing that it shouldn't. I'll spare you all the gory details. I understand now why pregnant women say they are done or ready for it to all be over or VACATE THE PROPERTY KID. I couldn't understand that a few months back. Back when the bump was of manageable size. Also back when it wasn't a whole production to just roll over in bed at night. Beached whale doesn't quite even describe it. While I do still love and very much enjoy feeling the baby move about in there and how easy it is to take care of him at this point, it's just getting to be a burden to go about my every day life. You know, like basic life tasks like walking or bending over. Also fitting into booths at restaurants or thinking I can fit through a space when I clearly cannot (not embarrassing at all, as you can imagine).

Yet, no matter how ready I am physically, I'm still not sure if I'm ready mentally. I know once he's here I'll love him to pieces and will say things such as, "I can't recall what life was like without him" or gooey over-exaggerated statements like those. I'm just a bit, nervous. Being up at all hours of the night, breastfeeding, diaper changes, living my life around a little persons needs. Getting to know this little guy. It seems so different from what I'm used to. Beyond that I think my biggest fear is losing the time I'm used to one on one with my husband. I love my hubby and after being married for almost 8 years, I'm very comfortable with how things are. Not the bad comfortable either. The nice comfortable, where you know each other in and out and consider each other best friends. The person you still can't wait to see at the end of the day. My travel buddy, to explore new places with and create memories with. I know everything will be better than I had imagined once I get to the other side of it and see it. Right now though, it just seems a big daunting.

I do find it funny though, how many relatives and friends are coming out of the woodwork just to check in on me and make sure I'm still gestating. I can't even count how many e-mails and texts I've gotten that go to the tune of, "No baby yet?". NOPE. NO BABY. Believe me, I'll let you know when it happens.

On that note, I need to go get more things in order. We need hand sanitizer up in here. And food. And crap. Lots of other crap.

26.5

I don't really mean to be turning this into a pregnancy/mommy blogger type blog but when life hands you lemons...

I'm almost 27 weeks. I can't explain the time warp continuum fast/slow movement that is going on but it's all flying by me so fast and yet, can you believe I still have a whole trimester to go yet? (I keep trying to write semester, seriously, every time). Like, there should be at least 10 weeks at the very earliest before I want this little guy here? Then again, ahhhhhhh, don't come yet we still have so much we need to buy, and fix around the house and places we need to go and all. the. things. we need to do. The baby shower is in 22 days. I'm thinking after that whole shindig I'll be feeling a bit better in the what I need to buy department. Stay tuned.

In other pregnancy news, it's crazy how much I can feel him move now versus when I thought I was feeling him jump around lots a month ago. Occasionally he'll hit an organ and it's actually uncomfortable. While I sit at work or at home I can watch my stomach jump around out of my peripheral vision. I grab hubby's hand as many times as I can during the evenings and weekends because I want him to see just how active he is. Can you believe how much your son is beating me up already? Plus it's not just kicks I'm feeling. I'm not sure if he's stretching or pushing out or what, but I'll feel this extreme pressure in some part of my stomach and I can feel with my hands a hard lump in that area. If he's feeling cramped now, just wait little guy for what you have to deal with later. That's not a threat, just, a warning I guess. A while ago I was feeling him flip, which was like the feeling you get when you are on a roller coaster and about to lose your lunch, minus the actual lunch losing part. I'm looking forward to and worried about the next time I feel that.

I know I won't do it justice explaining it but you can't believe how special all these ordinary things really are. Very much day by day normal but memories in the making as well. I am feeling my son MOVE. Before I ever see him and meet him, I know his patterns. I will know him longer than anyone else on this world will. It's a comforting little jab here and thump there. "Hi baby!", I'll say when we are having a little moment together. Each time it starts up it's a reassurance he's just as he should be, healthy and growing. It's our own special communication, baby morse code style. Sharing my body with someone at first really freaked me out and if I think really hard on it, still kind of does. I mean, there's another HUMAN INSIDE ME. Living! But at the same time, how crazy, awesome, cool is it that my body is producing a child. A very complicated process it just knows how to take care of on it's own, without me telling it what to do. A week or two ago I had a day where I really wasn't feeling much movement. It was light and then not there for a long time. Fear grew in my heart in a matter of minutes. Was something wrong? How can I care so much for this person I've never met yet? I was about to the point of tears and called the midwife to see what I should do. (Of course as it always seems to happen for me, as soon as I hung up after leaving a message I started to feel quite the series of kicks). Those kicks become more and more important to me each day. I can't even imagine what it will be like in another month. And having a whole child to take care of my very own. WHOA.

Announcement

I have an announcement. It's the reason I haven't been writing lately because I wasn't sure what to write about without writing about, well, it. I've had a lot on my brain lately and who knows who reads this darn thing, so I've stayed quiet. Confused? Me too. Well, I'm pregnant! 14 weeks! It's been going by fast and slow at the same time. Fast because, holy cow I'm starting my second trimester! I'm 1/3 done! And slow, because each and every day after I found out I was pregnant, I was worried I'd lose the baby. I think those fears are starting to go away now that I'm past the 3 month mark. What's funny, is if I had had a baby when I was younger I don't think I would have those same fears. It's just after watching friends and family go through miscarriages that I've started to fear it. Anyway, enough about fears, this is a happy time and I want to make sure to capture the weirdness that is my pregnancy!

Of course, because I'm a bit of a planner I have approximately a billion pregnancy and baby related books at home I've been reading through over the last 8 or so months. So many of them tell you that they will let you in on all the secret, never been written about before details and then, shocker, it's just like every other book. (Side note: My favorite book so far as been "Do Chocolate Lovers Have Sweeter Babies?: The Surprising Science of Pregnancy" by Jena Pincott.) For the most part they say all the same things with varying degrees of detail. Now for my own version! BEWARE: these are probably details you have had happen to you or already know about...but I will still subject you to reading them again!

So, some things I've noticed since I've gotten pregnant:

• My belly button is getting bigger. It's not becoming an outie or anything yet, at only 14 weeks, but it is like the inside of it is widening. I thought it was maybe just me that was able to notice it or, you know, making it up in my head (not uncommon for me) but my husband mentioned he noticed it the other night too. WEIRD. But convenient for cleaning.
• Besides all the strange crampy type feelings I'm getting as my uterus expands to fit my child, it also feels like I'm carrying a water balloon in my lower pelvis. I'm really not sure how to describe that any better. It's just a feeling down there I've never had before. Something is DOWN THERE.
• I feel like a teenager all over again. No, I was not pregnant as a teen, just more of that "I don't know my own body" feeling.WHO ARE YOU BODY?! 
• I'm thirsty all the time and I want juice. Big glasses of orange juice in the morning. CranApple in the afternoon. Water, I must have water!

I'm sure more weirdness will come in the future but that's what I have for now. I haven't really experienced all the book symptoms (heartburn, being tired, throwing up, crazy emotions, etc.) so we'll see what the future brings! 181 days to go!

Thinking about making a change

Children are a blessing. So I've heard. However, they were not in the picture of my immediate future for a long time. My husband and I married young, on purpose. We were in love and contrary to what some might have believed, did not have a bun in the oven. This June we will be celebrating our seventh anniversary. It hardly seems possible. I've been with him for over a decade. Sometimes if feels to me as if it were just a few years ago we started dating. He's for sure, my best friend and wins the best hubby award too. I am still constantly bragging about him to everyone I know and I think the world of him. I am still so in love with him and excited to see him at the end of the day. I'm really proud of that too. Of our relationship and the things we've conquered together. We've really learned about communication and how each other works but still find out, even after seven years, there is always something new you can learn about a person. I attribute most of the good things I've done or had or been given in my life to him. It all has been perfect, in an imperfect world. I wouldn't take back a second of it.

So...children. Babies. When is the right time? This is a question we've struggled with for a while now. Why mix it up? Why change something that is just so perfect right now for the both of us? For at least five years, I don't think it was even in the picture for me. As in, I didn't allow myself to think about it because, COLLEGE and then WORK and then FUN (and I can finally afford it). It was just some off in the future thought like retirement. I would maybe say random comments about these far off future events such as, "When we have kids" and "I hope my kid does/says/is...". You get the idea. That's about as far as I really got in the whole process. I have some friends who have had children for almost as long as my marriage. I have some who have no children and don't plan to for a while. I know what both sides of the whole thing looks like. I've in theory known I wanted kids but not really, in actual real life.

Then, about six months ago, I started to feel like my days were on repeat. Not that I've seen the movie, but I was experiencing Groundhog's Day. Wake up, get ready for work, work, come home and take care of things and then go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I still love my life, don't get me wrong, but it almost felt pointless. Like, it's moving by faster each day and I need to slow down and be mindful of every moment. I need to do something bigger than me. I don't want to say it feels like something is missing, because I'm very happy with how things are now, but I wouldn't mind something new coming around either. For months now, I've been staring at pregnant women who walk by me and reading All. The. Things...articles and opinion pieces about pregnancy and children. I have stacks of books on various topics and I sometimes feel like I can't read enough. Like if I keep reading, I'll figure out some unknown secret to myself. Am I ready? Do I feel ready? What is ready, exactly? Is one ever really ready? Should I want this more? Should I plan even more? Do I really want to change such a good thing we've got going? How risky is it to wait a few more years? Etc. etc. etc.

The hubby and I came up with a date six months ago. We decided, this magical, golden date was when we would start trying. Both of us with a little hesitation, for probably different reasons. Since then, I've allowed myself to open up to this idea and feel like I've been completely obsessed with it ever since. I am pretty positive I've waaaay over-thought the whole thing and then worried about that a little more. I've talked it to death with a few friends and please nobody look up my Google history. I am trying to take all the perfect, planned out steps. I realize not everyone functions this way, but it works for me. I'm comforted by it because it's the only part of this whole thing that I have control over. I've been taking prenatals for a while, because that's what you are supposed to do. I recently had my preconception visit with my OBGYN, because that's what you are supposed to do. And the next step...the "trying" phase. A phase of life that on some days, I am so sure I want it I can see the chubby cute baby that I will tickle and kiss and admire its fat rolls. While still yet on other days, I hope I'm not cutting a really great phase of my life short. Of our life. I'm still excited though. We both are. The anticipation of the unknown. What a mix of emotions, already. I know the future will only bring more.

I'd be interested to hear where were you in life on this jumping off point, assuming you were planning it? What did ready feel like for you? Is anyone else really excited and terrified all at once? Was there a moment when you realized it was right? Just me? Tell me about it.